At a Memorial Day press conference in Baton Rouge, Louisiana Attorney General Jeff Landry announced he would issue an arrest warrant for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should she ever step foot in the state again.
Before a crowd of a couple dozen people, Landry promised to avenge the lives lost in Benghazi, as well as get to the bottom of Clinton’s deleted emails.
Landry refused to answer questions from the press, but he did agree to speak to The Red Shtick’s intern, Dave Robicheaux.
The Red Shtick: “Thanks for allowing us exclusive access. Why did you choose The Red Shtick out of all the media outlets?”
“People will say that this is not in my jurisdiction, and that this is a federal matter already settled by numerous investigations, but when has that ever stopped me before?”
Landry: “Because you’re fake news. Did you see where Snopes, PolitiFact, and The Associated Press featured your Colonel Sanders story? I can say whatever I want to you, I can get all of this off my chest, and not a single person will believe a word that you print. I love it!”
The Red Shtick: “Well, that’s an interesting way of looking at it. But about your announcement today: How in the hell do you think you can pull something like that off?”
Landry: “People will say that this is not in my jurisdiction, and that this is a federal matter already settled by numerous investigations, but when has that ever stopped me before? I called up my friends in Congress, and they said that the Benghazi and emails matters were already settled. However, like that old Firebird in my backyard that definitely does not have $10,000 worth of cocaine stashed in it, I figure these scandals still have a couple of years left in them that I can use.”
The Red Shtick: “Why Hillary Clinton of all people? Shouldn’t you be doing, you know, your job?”
Landry: “Billy Nungesser already beat me on pandering to the Confederate monument supporters, so naturally, I had to go to the Clinton backup plan. People will forget about the monuments eventually, but Hillary hate is forever.”
The Red Shtick: “Aren’t you worried about backlash when this promise can’t be kept? You do know there is zero chance of you keeping your word?”
Landry: “I’m not saying Louisiana voters are idiots, but they did overwhelmingly go for Donald Trump. He said he would lock her up, he hasn’t, and his supporters couldn’t care less. Let’s just say folks here aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, and I’m counting on that in order to become the next governor instead of Billy. This is a state that elected Clay Higgins to Congress, for crying out loud — my chances are pretty damn good.”